Every community has its cliques, from middle school to the office. Often these cliques are based on people just gravitating towards each other. However, in Harry Potter, the cliques at Hogwarts are much more formalized. The Sorting Hat places students into four houses: Gryffindor, Slytherin, Ravenclaw, or Hufflepuff, based on the students’ personalities and values.
The world of 1960s Madison Avenue advertising firms, as depicted on Mad Men, has finite groups as well. Top brass CEOs, big egos from accounts, volatile artistic temperaments from creative, and the gossipy secretarial pool. Some of these characters really behave like school children, so it’s fitting to picture what would happen if the Sterling Cooper office showed up at Hogwarts.
Don Draper - Slytherin
How do you solve a mystery like Don Draper? The man is so complex, it wouldn’t be surprising if Hogwarts invented a fifth house for him. Alas, not even Don Draper is that special. Just don’t tell him that. While he doesn’t make a conscious effort to act like he’s better than everyone else, that’s basically all he does. He disappears from work whenever he feels like it. He has affairs with a revolving door of vulnerable brunettes…whenever he feels like it. Yes, Don has a painful backstory, but he’s also a smart guy. He knows when he’s being hurtful and he proceeds anyway.
Whether he’s walking all over somebody or not, Don always recognizes when an opportunity presents itself and he seizes it right away. He became Don Draper by stealing a soldier’s identity. He gets hired at Sterling Cooper by taking advantage of Roger’s drunkenness. Stacking the deck to your advantage and always putting yourself first? Welcome to the Slytherins, Don.
Peggy Olson - Gryffindor
With Peggy’s strong work ethic, one might think she’d be a Ravenclaw. After all, she’s constantly coming into the office on weekends—and letting everybody know about it, too. However, Peggy is the bravest person in the entire series. In a workplace environment that sees women as typewriters with legs, Peggy quickly broke the mold and became the first female copywriter at Sterling Cooper.
While Peggy is an indefatigable workhorse, she also had to make some daring moves to advance her career. Nobody was taking her seriously when she was sharing an office with the Xerox machine so she boldly marched up to Roger and told him she deserved Freddy Rumsen’s vacant office. She got it. When she felt left out of her male colleagues’ after-hours partying, she showed up unannounced at a strip club and totally charmed the clients that were being courted. In the last season, her iconic strut into the new office, complete with cigarette in mouth and erotic painting in hand, perfectly encapsulates her courageous journey.
Pete Campbell - Slytherin
Pete Campbell is the Draco Malfoy of Mad Men. He’s a spoiled, entitled brat who only takes the silver spoon out of his mouth if he needs to berate someone—usually his wife—when things aren’t going his way. Pete’s office behavior is downright snake-like. And isn’t that fitting, as Slytherin’s mascot is that very creature.
Pete slithers around, looking for weaknesses in his co-workers that he can parlay to his own advantage. Some underhanded snooping results in Pete discovering Don’s real identity and of course, the office serpent tries to blow it up in a hamfisted grab for Don’s job. Though he does show moments of sweetness, Pete’s blue blood runs ice-cold.
Joan Harris - Ravenclaw
While Joan may present a cool, mean-girl exterior to the office, it’s ultimately her shield against predatory behavior that many of the other secretaries find themselves facing daily. Joan is sharp as a tack and has a solution for every problem. Peggy can’t find a roommate? Joan has the perfect advice. Harry needs help reading scripts? Joan lends a hand and performs the job better than he does. If Mad Men tells us anything, it’s that advertising agencies are a dog-eat-dog world. Joan not only survives, she thrives, never having to resort to backstabbing or betrayal. Just her pure Ravenclaw wit.
Betty Francis - Slytherin
She may not work in the office, but Betty sure belongs in the Slytherin house. A product of her upbringing, Betty believes her worth lies in her beauty and prescribes that same standard to her daughter, Sally. Betty frets about Sally’s weight and when Sally cuts her own hair, Betty responds by striking her across the face. Such a violent reaction speaks to Betty’s inherent need to keep up appearances and look like she has the perfect family. In the Hogwarts halls, Betty would definitely be reminding anyone and everyone about her pure-bloodedness, thank you very much.
Roger Sterling - Gryffindor
Roger may not be as brave as Peggy—he’s never had to be—but he certainly has that Gryffindor “live for the moment” spirit. A pure hedonist, Roger drinks and carouses to his heart’s content. If Gryffindor won the Quidditch Cup, Roger would definitely be throwing an all-night rager in the Gryffindor common room. While his behavior may be morally questionable, Roger pursues a good time with such a Fred and George Weasley-esque glee, he can’t help but come across as charming. Gryffindors don’t always stop to think about the consequences of their actions. Nor does Roger, as evidenced by two heart attacks and two divorces. However, by the end of the series, Roger finds a woman who equally matches his zest for life and lives happily ever after.
Megan Draper - Hufflepuff
As Don’s second wife, Megan is much warmer than her predecessor. Aside from her beauty, Don was taken with Megan’s kind soul which she demonstrated when taking care of his children on a trip to California. Megan’s two biggest desires are simple: an acting career and a loving marriage. Valuing hard work and loyalty are two of Hufflepuff’s most notable traits. Megan’s only real flaw is that she put up with Don’s dismissive, devaluing behavior for far longer than she, or anyone, deserved. A true Hufflepuff, Megan was committed to making things work, even past the point of no return.
Bertram Cooper - Ravenclaw
Bert Cooper is one of the founding partners of Sterling Cooper. Think of him as an office father figure means Xenophilius Lovegood.
While Bert’s quirks, like wandering shoeless around the office, may make him seem like an oddball, he’s also full of wisdom and knows much more than he lets on. Though discreet, he’s fully aware of Joan and Roger’s affair and advises her, “Don’t waste your youth on age.” Bert’s intelligence and business savvy got him to the top of the advertising game, yet in true Ravenclaw fashion, he never feels the need to be flashy about his success.
Ken Cosgrove - Hufflepuff
In the cutthroat world of advertising, Ken is a breath of loyal, hardworking fresh air. Despite a lack of passion for his work—he’s a creative soul who yearns to pursue his writing—Ken always gives his all to both co-workers and clients. Sometimes too much. The name of the game is keeping clients happy and for Ken, this led to a horrible hunting accident in which he lost his eye. Ken lacks the cunning skills of sleazier co-workers like Pete Campbell and as a result, is treated like a doormat. This is a common plight of the Hufflepuff.
Harry Crane - Gryffindor
Harry Crane is a bit of a goober. His interactions with the opposite sex come across as both creepy and bumbling at the same time, an unfortunate feat seemingly impossible to pull off, yet Harry finds a way. However, despite his flaws, Harry is one of the most forward-thinking executives at the agency. While everyone else has their heads buried in print advertising, Harry recognizes the cultural shift towards television and nominates himself to run the television department. Initially, this makes him the butt of several jokes but over time, people come to realize that Harry has been heading in the right direction and has made himself an invaluable member of the company. Going after what you want in the face of being laughed at definitely points to a Gryffindor.
Lane Pryce - Ravenclaw
Lane may seem like a stuffy British stereotype to his American colleagues, but he more than proved his worth to the company. While others revel in the vice-seeking aspects of the job—liquid lunches and flirting with cocktail waitresses—Lane expertly takes on the “boring” tasks of running the agency, working with Joan on day-to-day operations. He works hard and is Ravenclaw-smart where others are foolish. Sadly, not being in the spotlight meant that Lane didn’t always get the credit he deserved and he found himself going into debt trying to keep up with the executive lifestyle. Eventually, Lane would take his own life. But while he lived, had it not been for his genius, Sterling Cooper wouldn’t have blossomed into the advertising juggernaut it became.
