The latest film by introspective filmmaker Noah Baumbach features a lot of impactful dialogue for a story about two characters that don’t communicate well. Most of the best dialogue comes from moments when Charlie and Nicole, once very much in love and now on the sad march to divorce, are discussing the state of their discontent to others. Marriage Story is about all the little things that lead to two people, once so inextricably close to one another, growing apart.
There are no distinguishable victims or villains in the film, and the script reflects that. Everything about their struggle to make the best of a tough situation devolves with the most painful revelations when they finally say what they mean after years of oppressed silence. Here are 10 quotes so real we can’t deal.
Updated January 29th, 2020 by Kayleena Pierce-Bohen: Since its release in 2019, Marriage Story has garnered unprecedented accolades for its illuminating look at both the searing trails of an imploding relationship as well as the performative nature of divorce. It’s received 6 Academy Award nominations for 2020, including Best Actor, Best Actress, Best Supporting Actress, Best Original Screenplay, Best Original Music Score, and Best Picture. Needless to say, that was more than enough reason to revisit this article.
“HE DIDN’T SEE ME AS SEPARATE FROM HIMSELF.”
In the beginning, Charlie and Nicole started off their marriage as two separate people with their own hopes, aspirations, and desires. Somewhere along the way, Nicole’s got usurped by Charlie’s, and she was just along for the ride of his life.
When she says, “He didn’t see me as separate from himself”, she’s addressing what can happen to any couple; two independent people are seen as one indivisible unit. They can lose their identity as individuals with differences to be celebrated, not tolerated. Charlie eventually simply saw Nicole as an extension of himself and his wants, to the detriment of her own.
“PEOPLE DON’T ACCEPT A MOTHER WHO DRINKS TOO MUCH WINE AND YELLS AT HER CHILD AND CALLS HIM AN ASSHOLE.”
When Nicole begins meeting with her divorce lawyer, Nora, she drills her with the sort of questions that the prosecution will attack her with. Some focus on Nicole’s relationship with her son, because in a divorce it’s not only between two people if kids are involved.
Nora warns her of being too authentic with her words when describing her relationship with Henry, because while fathers are allowed to be fallible, mothers aren’t allowed to show a side of themselves that’s anything but virtuous, even if it forces them to lose some of their identity.
“YOU ALWAYS HAVE TO HAVE YOUR OWN VOICE.”
In a fit of rage, Charlie accuses Nicole of always having to “have her own voice”, which can either be interpreted as having the “last word” in an argument, or addressing her need to feel independent. He says it in an accusatory way when she brings up the topic of her dreams being eclipsed by his, but it really can be seen as a projection.
One of the biggest problems in Charlie and Nicole’s marriage is that they don’t communicate well. Any partner can identify with feeling like they rarely have a “voice”, because their spouse neither fully listens to what they say, or because neither of them speaks up when something bothers them. The chasm between them grows deeper, filled with the sort of doubt and confusion that leads to suffering and heartache.
“THE DEAD PART WASN’T DEAD IT WAS JUST IN A COMA”
One of the things that Nicole speaks candidly to her divorce attorney about is what drew her to Charlie in the first place; his passion and zest for life. Some part of her felt “dead” acting in Hollywood, and his imagination inspired her to open up and take risks by performing in his plays.
Many times a person comes along that sparks greatness in us. We enter a relationship with them and they bring out the best in us. If that relationship has to end, we can still view it without regret because we experienced great lessons in spiritual and emotional awakening we’ll carry with us for the rest of our lives.
“YOU AND I BOTH KNOW YOU CHOSE THIS LIFE. YOU WANTED IT UNTIL YOU DIDN’T.”
It’s easy to paint a partner as a villain in one’s own personal narrative. Especially if they challenge our perceptions and our comfortable ways of thinking. But it takes two people to be in a relationship, and our accountability has to count for something or else we descend into perpetual victimhood.
When Nicole explains that Charlie ruined her life, and that he gaslit her to control her, he reminds her that she chose her life with him. And even if it didn’t turn out exactly how she wanted it to, she had agency, until over the years it became more comfortable to blame him than to do the uncomfortable thing and go back to Los Angeles.
“I WAS SO FLATTERED SOMEONE LIKE HIM WOULD FIND SOMETHING I SAID WORTHY.”
As a young Hollywood starlet on the rise, Nicole was both fascinated and enchanted by show business. She had a mother with a lengthy television career and had been surrounded by actors, directors, producers, and writers her whole life. But she didn’t have as much experience with live theater and its kinetic, “no second takes” energy. When the New York stage called to her, she met Charlie, an enigmatic artist who she respected and admired, and felt he was out of her league.
Often when we take a risk on a new person, we can feel inadequate next to their best qualities. These feelings of insecurity or self doubt can make us tolerate their worst qualities, to the point where we’re so flattered to be with them, we don’t question their red flags until it’s too late.
“I DIDN’T BELONG TO MYSELF.”
Nicole and Charlie are many things to themselves within their relationship, though not all aspects of their identity are seen at any given time. Charlie’s identity is the strongest, because his theater career eclipsed Nicole’s film career, and she moved where he wanted to live. When they had Henry, she became known as “mom”, and she felt mired down by her responsibilities to the men in her life.
Only towards the end of their marriage, when she recognized her own identity slipping away, did she find the courage to make a choice to fight for it. In a relationship, it’s necessary to reconnect with your individual self, and not let it get lost in the tumult of being tethered to another person. Like on an airplane when oxygen masks deploy, you can only be helpful to others after you’ve helped yourself.
“YOU SHOULDN’T BE UPSET THAT I F***ED HER, YOU SHOULD BE UPSET THAT I HAD A LAUGH WITH HER.”
Nicole was understandably upset when she found out that Charlie cheated on her. She brings it up again in their blow out fight, citing that he must have “hated” her to want to do something so damaging. He explains his reasoning, albeit in a way she isn’t ready to hear.
Nicole had a bad habit of not communicating her needs to Charlie, and she grew distant from him when he exhibited behavior she didn’t like. She’s surprised by his hurtful actions, but doesn’t examine their underlying impetus; he craved human interaction so much he slept with someone else, not because of a sense of physical lust, but because he found someone who actively enjoyed his company.
“I DIDN’T EVEN KNOW WHAT MY TASTE WAS BECAUSE I WAS NEVER ASKED TO USE IT.”
So much of Nicole and Charlie’s relationship seems to be one-sided, but that’s a matter of perspective. To Nicole, her individuality was taken because Charlie scrutinized her every move and never placed value in her artistic vision, only his own. She often second-guessed her own muse because of it, preventing her from attaining a lot of her acting dreams.
Her tastes and preferences were Charlie’s, and she knew his like a ledger, down to how he liked his food when they ordered out. Often we don’t realize how much our effort into helping a partner develop their talents and obtain their dreams takes away from our own. Only away from having to be there for them can we be there for ourselves.
“A BIT OF EARTH THAT’S YOURS.”
Throughout the film, even when they’re estranged, Nicole is happy for Charlie’s accomplishments. She’s the ultimate cheerleader despite him being supremely confident. She’s projecting the sort of support she would like him to give her when she feels constantly defeated and insecure.
When she lands a part in a television pilot, she wishes for nothing more than for him to tell her good job. She wanted him to recognize the little bit of “Earth” that was hers amidst all of his. Sometimes we wait around for years without getting the closure we need from a partner, to the detriment of our own growth.
